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Mood swings...

DAY #6

So I slept in. I missed out on horse riding completely. I was pretty pissed off when I woke up, and I blamed my roommate entirely for it. It was totally out of order. This quitting is messing with my moods, but I'm glad I'm sticking to it. I ended up apologising to her, and telling her that I love her. Because I do. I met up with my friend I was supposed to go horseriding with for coffee instead, and luckily he was cool with it. He was knocking for 15 minutes.:/ After coffee I spent a lot of the day cleaning and wasting time on the internet. I spoke to some friends, and they managed to cheer me up. I just have to keep reminding myself that I'm not really miserable or depressed, it's just the nicotine messing with my head. I ended up going to work in a really good mood. I thought Saturday would be the day that I'd break, but I didn't. I was surrounded by smoking friends on my break, but I kept strong. I gave my drink ticket away like I thought I would. This is a short entry, but it was a short day. I thought I'd need a drink after how busy work was, but I stuck to my lime sodas.


I think I'm a non-smoker. :)

Another proud moment.

DAY #5

So today was an interesting. When I woke up I met up with Jess and had coffee and sushi. It was funny because a friend of ours is trying to quit smoking the greenery at the moment, and Jess was saying how our friend is so stressed out... Boy can I relate.

After a lovely morning with Jess, I went off to go for my licence test. This should have been a breeze, but of course the RTA's were huge assholes, as usual, and this wasn't the case... I was arguing with the lady for about 10 minutes about my ID's, and then she got her supervisor who advised me that the RTA had no records of my licence ever being suspended... What a pain in the arse ! And to top it off, they were being nasty towards ME- as if I'd done something wrong ! Cunts. I ended up walking out. This was another breaking moment for me where I was tempted to go buy a cigarette packet and start all over again, but I didn't. I clenched my jaw and just kept on walking.

Proceeded to the DR's, got my test, made another appointment for Tuesday. Things are looking okay.

Met up with Trent at work, chatted a bit, he drove me home. Got ready for dinner, had dinner with the fam and friends, headed to work. Today was one of those days were I just felt so hollow inside... so empty. I dunno whether that was the nicotine withdrawals or just genuine depression, but who knows. Wah wah wah...

Work was a nightmare. I hate working with old blood- ie. people who have worked there for years and think that they own the place. I wanted a cigarette the whole time, but didn't have one. The whole shift I was cursing my work and wishing for a new job- I dunno if this the reality or the nicotine withdrawals... On my break, friends tried to get me to smoke. I said I'd stand with them in the smoking area, but no smoking.. Thank god. And a proud moment for me was when I finished, I refrained from smoking and drinking in a room full of smoking and drinking people. Mind boggling ! I even refused wine at the dinner... maybe I should have mentioned that earlier ?

So yes, I'm coping well. I'm so pleased with myself for having had no cigarettes or alcohol at work when everyone else was binging. I know these next few weeks will be tough in terms of thinking straight- how do I know what I'm thinking/feeling is real and not just some by-product
... I guess all I can really do is stick to it, and wait for it all to be clear again.


Be happy, and hang in there kid !

A stressful day...

DAY #4

Day #4 involved a hell of a lot of
coughing.

So today I woke up a lot earlier than I expected considering I didn't get to sleep until 6.30AM in the morning.... I woke up at about 11am, and texted Jay to tell him that I would make the photoshoot on time. He responded with a text telling me that the photoshoot was canceled due to one of the models not being able to make it.... frustrating. I spent most of the morning coughing my lungs up and feeling like shit, cursing nicotine for doing this to my body. I stayed in bed.

Another straw on the camel's back: I didn't get paid. I went on the computer as I coughed and coughed and coughed to check my bank account, only to discover work hadn't paid me... I called them immediately, and they said they'd get back to me. An hour passed. I called again. Finally got onto the licensee. He said he would work out what happened and would call me back. I was frustrated beyond belief... and since I didn't have my old stress-relief friend, cigarettes, I decided to go have a hot shower and feel sorry for myself. I was in there for about 40 minutes.

The licensee called me back, telling me that he had found my time sheet and it would seem as though my time sheet wasn't processed. He offered me $500 cash in hand, and that he would make the necessary adjustments (with tax, blah blah) on next week's pay. So I put on my clothes and off I went. After I got my moneys I went to bank it, and then bought a heap of magazines with my roommate, then we got some fatty food at Burger Fuel (fried chips, soda and big fat juicy burgers !) before returning home.

Once home, I had to start getting ready to go to mum's area to see high school friends. I took a magazine with me so that I didn't spend train/bus waiting time smoking !

Dinner was lovely- I prepared salad and fruit salad, and it was certainly a raging success. Mum then drove me home.

Today was annoying in terms of the chronic coughing, but this has showed me why I shouldn't smoke. I shouldn't allow my body to become so dependent on something that's actually killing me. There were so many opportunities today for me to break and start smoking due to stress, but I didn't. I stuck to my guns. So I am proud of myself. I spoke to my mum in the car, and we agreed it's all about mind over matter. I need to keep a positive attitude about this, and continually remind myself that there are only cons, no pros, with smoking.

Today I was a success.

The amount of money I'm saving...

DAY #3

So today was a good one... I managed to get a normal 8 hours of sleep and woke up feeling dandy to say the very least. I didn't seem to have any cravings, and my cough seems to be getting better. I went for a run to my university to re-enroll, and I must say it would seem exercise will be my best friend in trying to overcome this. Replace a bad habit with a good one !

I went for coffee with a friend- now for me, I'd have to say a cigarette and a coffee go hand in hand. Well, not this time. I had my coffee and I enjoyed it, cigarette-free. When my friend sparked up it seemed as though the scent irritated me more than anything- I had no sense of desire towards what I'd smelt.

I went on a date tonight again, and I must say it's nice to be with a non-smoker for a change. That smell that lingers after a cigarette truly is repulsive, and I guess I should be glad to be rid of that.

Tonight at work I had to fess up to people that I have given up smoking again. They all seemed to laugh and place bets in their head on when I'd crack, but I just want to laugh at them right back. I think I can do it this time ! As the night went on at work I did begin to develop a headache- I'm not sure if this is due to nicotine withdrawals or because of the stir fry my date made me... I'm betting on the latter. But after a water, Nurofen and a Hungry Jack's cheeseburger I'm feeling a lot better.

Tonight at work I made $110 in tips !!! In my first post regarding quitting, I said I was going to set aside $20 from my tips each night. I've only had 3 shifts since I've started this, and already I have $135 sitting in my little piggy bank ! That's $75 above my target !!! I'm a materialistic, money-hungry whore- I won't deny that. But counting my money tonight got me thinking... I'd have about 3 packets of cigarettes (on average) a week, costing $15 each. That's $45 I'm wasting a week. That's $2,340 !!! That's a lot of fucking money ! And seeming as though I'm keen to buy a new bed, new furniture and go on a holiday to the US next year, quitting smoking is not looking too shabby !

Tomorrow I have a photoshoot. I'm not a model, but my friend thinks I have potential and wants to photograph me. And I love being photographed so we're kind of a good match... I did notice however that my waist is 73cm... a week or so it was at 71cm. I have been a little lazy and have been eating some of the wrong foods, and although it's too late now (as the photoshoot is tomorrow), I will try to be regular with my gym visits again and avoid the bad foods. Looking hot is great, remember !

Not touching alcohol or Mary Jane has not been a battle at all so far. Just wait 'til the weekend hits...


The second day...

DAY #2

So Day #2 was a funny day... I woke up after a 13 hour sleep with a very, very sore back. Damn mum's spare bed ! I had things I had planned to do, but I guess my body needed the rest. I find that if I preoccupy myself with things to do throughout the day, I think about cigarettes less. I did notice throughout the day that I was in a foul mood. There was nothing behind it- nothing upsetting or worrying me- it was just out of nowhere ! I put it down to the nicotine withdrawals. When I did hit a stage of wanting to have a cigarette, I just went straight to the gym and worked out for a bit. That did me some good. At work this time I prepacked a sandwich for dinner, so this gave me something to prepare and eat during my work break and saved me from going out to have a cigarette instead. I did have one slip up though... I had to sample a drink with a straw to check if it had any alcohol in it. It was less than a sip, and I did it automatically as it's a part of my job. I guess I should just let it slide as it was nothing compared to the amount I'd normally drink on a big night... my liver probably didn't even notice it ! I think I'm heading in the right direction ! I'm finding I'm beginning to cough up less phlegm than before, but the cough is becoming more hollow and chesty. I feel as though it should be gone in a matter of days... Knowing my luck it will be gone by the time I visit the Dr's on Friday ! But I would still like to get everything checked out, for piece of mind. So day #2 was moody and full of back pain, but I'm pleased to announce it was alcohol, tobacco and green free !

Bring on the third day.

I can do it alone...


So at the beginning of the year I promised myself that I would quit smoking on my 20th Birthday... that was 2 months ago. Still smoking.

SO.

I've tried quitting smoking many times this year without success- the process normally ends with me becoming so emotional and stressed out that I can't handle it anymore and rip open the nearest cigarette packet.

Recently I've developed a horrible cough, which I think may be my smoker's cough developing (after about 4 years of smoking.. it's taken its sweet arse time eh ?). This cough is absolutely disgusting- it's phlegmy with specks of black through it, and it tastes plain foul. I have most trouble with this cough when I'm waking up/falling asleep/really tired.

The other night I was on a date with this sweet boy, Lex, and he told me that a friend of his was staying 'dry' for a month for charity. Basically this girl is promising her friends and family that she will not touch a single drop of alcohol for an entire month in return for their sponsorship/donation. This got me thinking about my current situation with alcohol: I work in a bar. I have such easy access to alcohol that I could slip over alcoholism without even realise. In fact, I'm already scared that that is starting to happen. I work 4-5 shifts a week- that's 4-5 free drinks a week, plus the copious amounts I consume whilst out in order to have a good time.

Where am I going with this ? Give me a second...

I start university soon, and like any other NORMAL young person I enjoy the occassional doobie. A little bit of greenery. A dance with Mary Jane.... do you get me ? I want a clear head for uni. I don't want to be a bartender for the rest of my life. I don't want to fuck up.

SO ! I am setting myself the following challenge:

From October 12th 2009 I am to have a break from:
- alcohol
- cigarettes
- green goods.
On top of this, I will set aside $20 of my tips from each shift into a savings account.

My liver is on holiday !!!

But this is completely serious for me. I am not seeking sponsorship, I am not seeking support from anybody else, I am simply relying on me; I got myself into this mess, I should be able to get myself out of it. The only thing I'm going to change this time (from my previous attempts of coming clean) is that I'm going to use LiveJournal. LJ is going to be like my sponsor. My consellor. My vent. Whatever. Every night (or at least everytime I get cravings/anxious) I will write an entry discussing my days, difficulties I've had and how I've overcome them, and if I haven't overcome them, why I should stick to what I'm doing. Consider this self-help. And I make myself one promise regarding this, and one only: If you do not complete this challenge; if you do not stay away from fags, booze and bud for a month; if you don't start to save rather than waste your money... You have to see a counsellor.

I will turn myself in.

Rehab if necessary.

Seriously, I feel like I'm caught in one massive drug rutt. Nobody wants to be that guy ! I hate feeling like shit all the time. I eat so healthy and go to the gym, why should I tear that all apart by picking up other filthy habits ? Why not be clean cut, fresh, and feeling dandy ?

So the challenge begins...

DAY #1

Today begins the challenge I've set myself. In the last attempts of quitting cigarettes I've found that I've been fine in the first couple of days and I keep reassuring myself that I can do this.. then comes the 3rd day, and I'm emotional as all hell and grumpy as a bitch. This time round, this has started from day one. I can't be sure whether it's just the lack of nicotine or if it's also the fact that I worked 6 days in a row last week and had barely any hours of sleep to show for it. Plus I only gave myself about 4 hours of sleep... But today was okay. I was a bit grumpy and miserable, but I was good. I didn't think of smoking- all I did was focus on my job, and kept myself occupied all day. I'm at mum's house now, so there's no danger of me lighting up. I left my cigarettes at home in my room. I think one of the most challenging parts of giving up the smokes is that my bestfriend and roommate is a smoker. This girl literally goes through packets a week ! The reassuring thing is, though, is that we've moved into a place that's not smoking friendly. We only moved in on Tuesday (so it's been a week), and previous to moving in I was saying to her that I would give up the bongs and give up the cigarettes. We moved, but nothing came from that. Hence a need to set myself a challenge. I think I have a problem, and I need to break it. Alcoholism isn't such a problem, I just think I need to be more aware of how much I drink and when I drink. I don't think I'll have that much trouble staying away from the alcohol, and once the month is up I'll try to limit myself to a certain amount of drinks per week. Not only will my liver love me for this, but I will save a fuckload of money. Same goes for giving up the cigarettes.... and the greens ! I need to keep reminding myself of how much money I'm wasting by maintaining filthy habits. And not only that, I'm killing myself. Why would I want to do that ? There's so much to live for. I'm only 20 years old- I've got my entire life ahead of me, why would I want to fuck that up with something as horrible as cancer or brain damage ? Or a stroke ! I'm horrified at the thought of having a stroke. So that's my ramble. Today was fine because I wasn't near smokers- I was just in my bar, cleaning away, then I went straight to mum's house to spend the night. I think if I don't make a big deal of trying to be clean people won't feel the need to be assholes and tempt me. I'm doing this for me, so I shouldn't feel the need to broadcast what I'm doing ! If someone offers a cigarette say no, if someone offers you a drink say you'll pass, if someone offers you buds tell them they're crazy. Think of you. Think of the money you'll save and all the clothes you could buy ! Let's focus all of our drug addiction into our retail addiction.  Day one was okay...

Change

Maybe it is different to what you expect it to be ?...

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

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Starting 2009 with a bang.

So it's been a while since my last entry, and so much has happened...

Costa Rica- it was amazing.
That's all I want to say- I have my memories, I have my photos, I have gained my life experiences.
It gets so annoying when people ask you all the time how your holiday was, because you just run out of things to say !!!
But it truly was an amazing experience.
I made some interesting friends on the journey.
If anything the trip had taught me that maybe I'm not as smart as I thought I was, and that maybe I should try to lighten up.
There are more important things in life to worry about !

I went to Melbourne for one of my great friend's 21st- that was so much fun.
I saw a few other friends along the way, including some of the friends I'd made in Costa Rica.
It was definitely a good way to blow the final $300 left in my bank account.
It was kind of like a holiday away from home after having a holiday... as weird as that sounds.
Like after getting home after a month, reality was a little intense... so going to Melbourne was like a little runaway.
I'm currently severely poor, but life will go on.
I'm not going to allow a financial rut get me down after how amazing the year's been so far.

I've started to read Stephenie Meyer's "Twilight" series to see what all the fuss is about... and I'm loving it.
I think I relate a little too well to the character Isabella Swan (or Bella)- here's a quote:
"I didn't relate well to people my age. Maybe the truth was that I didn't relate well to people, period. Even my mother, who I was closer to than anyone else on the planet, was never in harmony with me, never on exactly the same page. Sometimes I wondered if I was seeing the same things through my eyes that the rest of the world was seeing through theirs. Maybe there was a glitch in my brain."
I truly got goosebumps when I read that part of the book.
It really hit home.
I know the book is fiction, and she's a fictional character, but we really do relate on some levels.
I've been starting to accept, lately, the way I am more.
There's nothing wrong with being different- I always said that, but now I feel like I'm starting to fully believe it.
After all these long years.

Things with my friends are strange...
I haven't heard from my 'best friend' at all since I've got back from overseas, and truth be told I'm not really phased.
I have been spending a lot of time with another 'best friend' though, and things seem to be going well.
Although she truly is a bad influence in terms of MJ !
Things with high school friends are good as usual.

Work has also been strange.
My favourite manager quit, and a lot of friends have been fired or they've quit.
I guess that's the way life goes, though.
Although the place feels completely different compared to what it was like, I need to remember that at the end of the day it's a job and my real reason for being there is to make money.
People will always come and go in life.

I decided at work today that I'm going to make a wish list for 2009 that I will start from March 1.
Here it goes (it's not in any kind of order at all):
- No more soft drinks
- No boyfriends/'love'/attachments
- No perving on/dwelling over/approaching men
- ONE night drinking a month (during uni)
- No MJ; holidays MAYBE but definitely not during uni
- No cigarettes; sober or drunk, calm or stressed, JUST NO
- HOMEWORK before SOCIAL LIFE
- Tan for at least 20mins, 3x a week
- Repay 25% of debts owing to mum (TRY)
- No more than 1hr of useless internet usage per day (during uni)
- Sudoku a day
- Read a book a month
- Get a v-line and better collar bones
- No fast-food or sweets
- Try to get at least one D & one HD per semester at uni
- Walk Bundy 3 times a week
- Gym 4x a week
- Weights 3x a week
- Get P's
It's a lot of goals/rules to stick to, but I'm hoping to stick to it as much as I can.
I really want to get my fitness back and be healthy again, and I also want to rock uni this year.
I just want to complete a year of it successfully, just to show the world that I'm capable.
To prove to myself that I'm capable.
That I've got control over my life !
So yeah- really need to organise that TO DO/Wish list into some order of say daily things, general rules, etc. and work it into my routine at some point.

University starts on Monday and I'm truly excited.
I ended up joining the WASABI (Japanese) club, anime club, vegetarian society & the queer society.
I'm not a vegetarian, but they hold 2 $5 all you can eat buffets twice a week- I thought this would be a good money saver, and also a healthy alternative at uni.
I'm hoping I'll have the time to participate in all the other clubs I've joint, but only time will tell.

So much has happened this year already, and to be honest it's all a little overwhelming !!!
But I'm not going to let it stress me out.
I need to get my shit sorted, and make this year count.
I'll try to write in my journal at least once a week to see how I'm going, and to read over past entries to see how far I've come.

Exclusion is the story of my life...

Seriously.
I have finally realised.
After ALL this time.
After NYE's celebrations last night- I won't even talk about it since I've talked about it so many times at work today that it shits me to absolute tears- I have realised what is going on.
Lately I've been having the most terrible dreams where my friends leave me abandoned, excluded, and feeling horrible.
I've been waking up screaming and crying, and it's been leaving me feel anxious throughout the day.
Lately I've been thinking- perhaps this is my subconscious telling me that I need to make a new group of friends ?
Usually  I have been feeling like maybe I enjoy spending time with my work friends more than I have been with my 'normal' friends.
Tonight, my manager even said to me 'maybe you need to start associating with a different group of people' having heard of my New Year's Eve 'adventure'.
And for a few hours, I was thinking it through.
Then came staffies.
(For those of you that don't know, or perhaps maybe it is just part of the 'Australian dialect', staffies is where you have free drinks after work when you work at a bar/club).
Comes my manager, who provided the very same wisdom earlier, making fun of me.
On top of that, the one friend (whom I'd thought that I could trust above anyone else considering I've been keeping all her 'secrets' for a while) also made fun of me, for my use of English which is one of the things I pride myself on the most.
The most silly drunken mistake- which anyone could have made- became a laughing stock, and I felt so terrible about it.
What. the. fuck. ?
I don't even know why I feel so bad.
I know I'm a loner, I know I'm an introvert, I know I'm reserved and somewhat distant towards people due to my lack of trust- why should I expect anything less ?
Know that I think about it, most of my 'down time' has been a result of me opening up and being friendly towards others.
None of it has come as a result of how I normally am.
I'm not saying that I should distance myself from people- not at all !
What I'm saying is that perhaps I should maybe learn to analyse people before I learn to open up to them, even though I'd thought I was doing that earlier on.
Because while it may seem like a 'normal' mistake, it's the kind of mistake that gets me down and feel so alone at times.
Tonight I came back to my "best friend's" house, and she was asleep and didn't give a fuck.
I'm almost tempted to drink all of the alcohol within the household to drown each and every single one of my sorrows, to be honest.
Speaking of honesty- might I mention that I'm so glad that I have kept my LiveJournal so completely anonymous, because this way I feel like I have a way to vent.
I don't think life is cruel, not at all.
I just feel that I may in fact have an inability to interact with other people and react to normal situations in the way that other 'normal' people do, possibly because of all the things that I've been through in my childhood.
I cross my heart that I'm not trying to sound like a victim here- I'm just trying to come to some form of reality that makes sense so as to make everything okay.
To sum it up- I have had a shit 'New Year's Eve'.
Some people say it's easy to be cynical- perhaps for me it is not a mode of play, but just a way of life; what else do I have ?
If you TRULY knew me, how the fuck could you blame me ?
I'm kind of getting sick of everyone's opinions- I open up to people just as a means to OPEN UP, not necessarily as a means to seek their professional opinion.
Sometimes I feel like I'm one of the only hard ones in the world, but perhaps everyone else is hard ?
Yet again, I'm sorry for feeling like the victim.
I'm sorry for sounding like some sorry, pathetic twat.
I'm just trying to make a realisation for my own self, to make it all okay, so I can look back on it.
Is it wrong to want to live for one own's self ?
Because honestly- at times when even my own family fuck me over- that's what it feels like.
I do not know where I want to go, what I want to do, who I want to meet, ANYTHING !
My life has always been one big confusing blur to me.
I just want to make this through this so very much, so I can try to understand everything there is about life.
Isn't life supposed to be a learning experience ?
I'm not sitting here wishing death upon myself, I'm simply begging for something else to learn so I may understand.
As suicidal as it sounds, what is the point of life ?
I truly want to know this.
Just so I can understand.
If anything, all I'm trying to do is fulfil the curious side of my personality.
All I want to do is know everything !
I hate secrets.
I hate lies.
What's their point ?
I know I keep secrets, I know I tell lies... and to be honest, sometimes I hate myself for it.
Am I trying to be beyond human ?
I don't know.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that all of this is a means to better myself- I truly want to be happy, sometimes I wish I wasn't so cynical, so shallow, so judgemental.
Why can't I be like all those happy people in life ?
Perhaps do I have a better brain than them ?
A better IQ ?
What makes me different from everyone else ?
What makes me feel so excluded ?
What makes me feel as though that typing this out, for no one else but myself in particular to read, will make it better ?
Will make it all okay ?
Perhaps I just want all these questions to be answered, or at least to make sense someday.
I don't want to die, I just want to learn.
As stupid as I may come across to some people. :(



2009- please make it a year of change, please make it a year of difference, please make it a year of happiness, please make it a year that I can look back upon to gain some wisdom from.
Please.
That's all I ask.
From nobody, but myself & the New Year.



2009.

-- Please quit smoking, please quit the MJ, please quit the excessive drinking, please start/continue the healthy eating, please start/continue going to the gyms- IF NOT FOR ANYONE ELSE, BUT FOR YOU !

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